Movie - The Core - Directed by Jon Amiel

I have recently begun to rent older movies which I missed in theatres.

Sadly, I have also recently begun to remember why I missed them in theatres.

The Core is a disaster movie.

No, wait... The Core is a disaster of a movie.

The 'science' used is so outlandish that a well trained chimp would see through it. The dialogue isn't any better. A complete range of stereotypes make up the crew. The emotionally intense parts are so ridiculous that they made you laugh. The special effects might have been top-of-the-line ten years ago, but, in today's climate, they look cheesy. And to finish it all off, the movie drags out far beyond the time it should. It's hard to recall another movie doing so many things wrong. Next to this, Armageddon is an example of intelligence and restraint.

The movie is in fact though, a marvel. It's so bad, it's almost entertaining. So much so that one must almost believe that director Jon Amiel sabotaged his own work, in an last ditch effort to save it.

It could also be part of why the movie was delayed... though at the time it was stated that it was sent to be re-edited to remove a scene showing a ficticious space shuttle crash, in light of NASA's own real-life space shuttle disaster.

The story is simple and has been retold several times in recent years. Bad government people have been mucking around with nature in order to develop nasty weapons of mass destruction. In this specific case, they have inadvertently stopped the planet's core from spinning, which results in a breakdown of the electromagnetic field which protects us from the sun's radiation (among other things).

Perhaps it is just the raging applied mathematician in me, but permit me if you will, to examine just one of the outlandish science ideas presented in the book: their proposed solution of burrowing to the centre of the earth and using five 200-megaton nuclear warheads to 'jump start' the core.

I won't argue the impossibility of stopping the Earth's core and will gracefully ignore the fact that the largest nuclear bomb ever built was a Russian device rated at 100 megatons and weighed a whopping 27 metric tons. I'll also merrily ignore the fact that the largest bomb currently in the U.S. arsenal is only 9 megatons. From an energy standpoint alone, five 200-megaton bombs wouldn't even come close to being able to spin a stationary inner or outer core up to full speed.

The solid iron inner core normally has a rotational kinetic energy equivalent to about 340 200-megaton bombs. The liquid metal (primarily iron) outer core surrounding the inner core has a normal rotational kinetic energy equivalent to roughly 32,000 200-megaton bombs. Assuming only the inner core had to be restarted and that 100% of each bomb's energy could be converted to rotational kinetic energy, the movie's heroes are at least 335 bombs short of the required amount.

Note that the bombs would also have to have their energy directed along a plane tangental to the earth's core for torque to be created, and I'm sure I haven't even scratched the surface (which is about all their 5 200-megaton bombs would have done).

Even Jules Verne writing well before the advent of nuclear powered submarines was closer to a realistic view of science than The Core.

On the bright side, the terranauts' ship, Virgil, is made of an impossible alloy capable of withstanding the extreme temperature and pressure found in the core. To its credit the movie calls the material unobtainium. It is perhaps one of the few glimmers that suggest that they actually knew just how bad this movie was when they were making it.

Book - Gardens Of The Moon - Steven Erikson

Canadian born, Steven Erikson is a relative newcomer to the prolific ranks of fantasy novelists. A first-time fantasist, Erikson's series, The Malazan Book of the Fallen, is projected to run to ten volumes before all is said and done. And I have to admit that if you intend to read them, you will need to set aside some significant time to do so. I generally read a small novel (500-700 pages) in the space of a week, sometimes two. I started reading this series in mid-December and am only now passing the halfway point in the 4th. Thankfully I will get a break by summer as only the 5th book is out now and the 6th is not expected until 2006.

Not only is each novel quite ponderous in and of itself (they average just shy of 1000 pages a piece), but the scope and breadth of the characters, religions, entire continents of mixed cultures, and pantheon of gods leaves ones head reeling. It doesn't help a newcomer to the genre that a lot of the concepts introduced are somewhat abstract and there is a significant backstory to the series which is repeatedly hinted at but only rarely flushed out in detail.

Erikson writes epic fantasy. When writing a series, that implies among other things, the ability to create a world readers will enjoy reading about which is drawn in sufficient depth that future volumes in the series don't endlessly rehash the same themes and plots. Erikson has acknowledged elsewhere that Gardens of the Moon is not an easy read, but it includes ten to fifteen pages of maps, glossary and dramatis personae to help the epic fantasy-impaired in their quest for understanding.

Thankfully, I'm not a newcomer to the genre.

While the series at large tells the story of the Malazan Empire... a kind of fantasical take of on a Roman Empire from our own world, it is also fair to say that the book primarily tells the story of the empire through the adventures of a particular band of soldiers known as the Bridgeburners, and the seemingly ill-fated path of the aristocratic Paran family. Though hundreds of other characters are introduced and one could argue that even the Empire's struggles are merely a backdrop for a tale of a fallen god's redemption, it is around the Bridgeburners that the most delightful aspects of the story unfold.

Erikson attemps to break with convention by not drawing characters in well-defined shades of either black or white. He succeeds admirably, creating a host of characters possessed of a complexity not often found in the fantasy genre.

The heroes of the story, the Bridgeburners, are often sarcastic, witty and seemingly resigned to any task that is set before them. That said, their opposition is seldom as clearly defined. If one were to count the various factions at work in the Gardens Of The Moon, each holding their own agenda, I suspect that you would end up with easily over a dozen. What's more, just as in real life, things have a way of changing.

If you're of the mind to whitle away a few days - or weeks - with a well conceived work of epic scope, than the Gardens of the Moon is a good place to start. But you'd better get started now. Three thousand plus pages of Erikson's saga await your pleasure - and we're not even halfway there.

Movie - Hitch - Directed by Andy Tenant

Many people I know are instantly turned off by any movie starring Will Smith. While I don't personally share this sentiment, I understand their reaction. They don't like the typically trash-talkin' blusting characters that he plays.

Will Smith's career, over the past few years, has become synonymous with the word "trash talkin' action". Summer blockbusters such as "Wild West", "I, Robot," "Bad Boys," "Men in Black," "Enemy of the State" and, of course, "Independence Day" are what Smith has become best known for.

But, Smith's roots go back to a wildly popular TV show called "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". And those roots are comedy bound and yet, with his easygoing and likable manner, ideal for a romantic comedy like "Hitch." After all, the TV show which in later years was heavily influenced by Smith as he came of age, often carried more tender and touching plots along with the slapstick comedy.

As a result, Hitch turns out to be a pleasant surprise for a winter doldrums movie. It is a well-written, nicely paced romantic comedy that puts the accent on comedy.

Smith portrays Alex Hitchens, the "date doctor" or the guy you call when you need help getting noticed by the girl of your dreams. Although he doesn't promise to find you love, he will guarantee to provide you with the "opportunity" to make contact. What you do with it from there is up to you.

For guys, and ladies to I would imagine, it's easy to sympathize with Hitch's client - Albert - because we've all been in his shoes to some degree or another. And let's face it, dating is one of the world's most awkward social intricacies for the vast majority of us.

The movie is really an ensemble cast and avoids focusing solely on Smith as well, giving it a much richer feel and allowing a good deal of character development thoughout.

Cleverly writen by Kevin Bisch and directed by Andy Tenant, Hitch is a movie worth seeing.

Book - American Gods - Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman creates in this, a magnificent modern fantasy. I use fantasy in a very classical sense, even though Gaiman sets it in a very modern surrounding. The fact that the fatasy takes place in our current world, and shows the interaction of the gods and other higher powers, puts it on a level with the traditional folktales and legends of Greek, Norse and Roman mythology or the tales of King Arthur and his knights. Which may be exactly what Gaiman hopes to do.

Gaiman has created a story that entertains while inspiring a faith of sorts, perhaps just a belief in oneself. The concept isn't particularily new -- What happens to the old gods in whom no one believes anymore? What happens when new gods arise? -- but the author makes it his own.

(For more examples of stories where old gods rise again, stay tuned for future reviews.)

Gaiman sets his novel in America -- a place where many peoples brought their gods and then turned to a sort of atheism, neither truely believing nor disbelieving -- as his canvas. Mixing cultures, sociology, theology, history, mythology, unique perspective, and slam-bang good storytelling he paints a tale that deserve more than one reading.

While a firm understanding of the various cultural mythologies is not necessary to read the book, I do think that one will get more out of it if you have at least a cursory understanding of mythology.

As for the story... well, again, it is true classic fairy tale writing. Our protaganist, Shadow has emerged from three years in prison only to find his anticipated new life swept away by the sudden death of his wife. An old con man, Mr Wednesday, offers Shadow employment as an errand boy and bodyguard. Thus the hapless, (or maybe not so hapless but definately down on his luck) protaganist is swept into a world he didn't even realize existed and one where he stands poised to unravle the secrets and be the hero who can claim redemption for himself... and possibly everyone else.

The only other comment I have is that when you reach the monologue by Sam (on page 394 of the First HarperTorch paperback printing), it is probably one of the best little monologues I've ever read. Not so much because I believe every word of it, as it embodies the jumble of contradictions and biases that we each hold to ourselves and comes out sounding very much like any of us would if we tried to truely explain our identies in a page and a half.

Excellent work Neil. Hopefully there will be another in this vein sometime soon.